I want to live for two.
My sister, Suhaila, passed away three months before I came to HBS. She was more than my sister. She was my loudest cheerleader, my algebra teacher, my personal stylist, my most honest critic, my best friend. She was by my side for twenty six years and I was by hers at the end.
Two years later, I still have questions. I feel confused, sad and I miss her so much. Suhaila was my soul mate. I don't know if I can ever love so deeply again. But there are some things I do know for sure.
I want to stop being so angry about losing her. I want to stop pretending, and actually be OK. I want to have faith. I want to feel excited about the future.I want to start living my life like she and I would talk about. I want to make my parents proud, like we always said we would. I want to start that company, like we always said we would. I want to fanatically cheer for the Mavs, like we always said we would. I want to eat chapatis and cheese spread for breakfast, like we always said we would. I want to forever feel close to her, like we always said we would.
I turn 28 this year. It is how old Suhaila was when she was taken from me. I feel both grateful and guilty to have been given time that she never had. Being older than my older sister makes me realize that I want to live each day fully, for myself, but also for her.
I want to really laugh again, like we always did.